Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
