I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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