i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
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