So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
