I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
