he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
