who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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