Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Randomize
