watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize
