My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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