that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
