My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
