Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
