last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
