Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
