i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
