Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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