wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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