life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
