and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
