She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
