Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
