I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
vagina is talking i cant
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
