she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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