Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
cat food counts as protein by the way
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
