I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
how do flat chested girls get laid?
cat food counts as protein by the way
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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