Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
