yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
