i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
