its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
