Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
