my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
