Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
