They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
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