Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
