it wasn't lemon gatorade
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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