She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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