also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
