I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
His nipple licking is glorious
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