dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I supernannyed him into submission
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
