I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
