his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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