I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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