i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
