i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
