Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
