it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
