please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
