i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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