before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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