Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Blood and glitter go together right?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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