smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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