Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
